Desperate Mom

Dana E. Friedman, EYI President

I can’t believe the call I just got from a desperate working mom.  She and her husband live in New York City and are about to move to Port Washington on Long Island, where I live.  She called me because my home phone number is listed on the brochure from the Port Washington Child Care Partnership that tells parents about their child care choices.   I called her back and listened to a tale of woe that I cannot believe has persisted for at least the 35 years I’ve been advocating for child care, and for longer among single parents and families who needed two incomes before the latest recessions.

I proudly told this mom about the typical sources of information to call – the Child Care Council, the web site from the New York State Office of Family and Children’s Services, and all the local agencies I’ve worked with through the Port Washington Child Care Partnership.  She had been to them all. Whatever programs were listed, she had called. They were all filled for the fall and waiting lists were estimated for one year.  She has an additional dilemma which is that her child is 2 years old and still in diapers.  She and her husband are pushing the toilet training so that her child has more child care choices.  Yes, let’s do what’s best for the child.

She said that it’s taken about four months to find a home they could afford and sign the papers with the bank.  They began their search for a home in the spring.  She now admits that the process was all wrong; she should have started the search for child care before she went looking for a home.  She had no idea it would be more difficult and take more time.  She’s anticipating that she’ll do what so many other parents do, which is to patchwork together several arrangements – with a nanny for part of the day, her semi-retired father for part of the day, and maybe a part-day nursery school to where the nanny can drive.  I chose not to discuss the importance of continuity of care and the issue of transitions that are so difficult for young children.

What was frightening was that this mom was savvy and well-resourced.  She said she had her first rude awakening when she got pregnant.  She and her other well-educated friends were shocked to learn they got only 12 weeks maternity leave and no (or limited) pay.  They knew that all of Europe had paid leave – even for dads – how could the U.S. be behind all of these other countries?  After this realization and now, her futile search for child care, she said she joined MomsRising.  

Back in the 1980s, Yale’s Ed Zigler told a Congressional Committee that child care was a “crap shoot.” After so many years of research and advocacy, why, oh why, are working parents are still faced with this awful dilemma?